Thursday, 17 October 2013

New edition of Biography not Penguin Classic, I am afraid

Although I am very pleased that the biographies of my life are, shortly, to be reprinted in the United Kingdom, I have to say that they are not being released in the imprint I had been hoping for.

After intense discussions with Penguin Books they refused my request for it to be published as a Penguin Classic.

Apparently, being a celebrity with a world-wide fan base is not sufficient reason for my life to sit alongside the works of such luminaries as John Stuart Mill, Francis Bacon and Charles Darwin.

Errant nonsense! - did any of them do the great works for charity that I have done?

Did any of then contribute so much to teach young people the importance of civic duty?

Were any of then called upon to help bail out the collapse of banking and the capitalist system?

The simple answer is no. I think we all know the real reason. It is because I am a lowly elephant of humble origins rather than some floppy haired pop star !

Wednesday, 9 October 2013

My Complete Biography - Available Soon !

My many followers will be pleased to know that THE COMPLETE UNCLE is now listed for preorder on a number of book websites.

The Book Depository offer free shipping worldwide, and has 25% off, so might be the best place to buy if you're not in the UK.

I am so pleased that my followers outside Homewrad will now be able to purchase the complete biography - despite some inacuuracies about my life, it contains many pearls of wisdom on good citizenship. We are all very grateful to Marcus Gipps for making this possible - apparently the finished cover will be silver foil stamped onto blue cloth.

Buying directly from Marcus at:

means that more money goes to my biographer J.P.Martin's family and Quentin Blake, who illustrated the books. It irks me somewhat that as the subject of the books I recieve no royalties - but as the Old Monkey pointed out "You are already as rich as old Croesus, Sir!", which is a valid point, I suppose.

Saturday, 5 October 2013


The Homeward Gazette will not back down in its battle with Beaver Hateman.

I advised the newspaper not to issue an apology for the editorial I wrote concerning Beaver Hateman's father.

Beaver Hateman has consistently claimed that his father was a rabid anarchist, like himself, and a great influence on his political thinking. It is therefore only right to investigate the background of the man. To this end I sent my detective, A.B. Fox, to rummage through the trash cans outside Badfort.

As I exclusively revealed, in my editorial, it is clear now that Ralf Hateman was a stockbroker from Purley and an out and out capitalist.

Far from dressing in the trademark anarchist sackcloth garb of the Badfort Crowd, Ralf Hateman preferred a pinstriped three-piece suit. In fact, he was the picture of sartorial elegance and could be seen regularly at 8.00 a.m. on the fast train to Loadsamoney Tower.

He built Badfort in the 1930's and, despite Beaver's claims that it's ramshackle nature was an anarchic riposte to the capilist monolithism of Homeward, his writings clearly show that he hated the place because it was such a tip.

Hateman Senior's intention was to build a home that rivalled Homeward in it's opulence and ostentation. However, a share deal that became mired in accustations of skullduggery and litigation forced him to complete the project with the cheapest of materials. His home became a symbol of his own failed ambition.

Beaver Hateman has issued a statement that is typically blunt:

"My father loved Badfort and the anarchist cause. As always, the fat tyrant of Homeward seeks to smear my family by questioning our values. This, from an elephant of the jungle who lives by the law of the jungle!"