Wednesday, 31 July 2013

A faraway country of which we know nothing

The lands to the North of Badgertown are, indeed, a desolate place.

They were once the centre of an industrial revolution. There were mill towns, textile centres, shipyards, and mining towns.

However, now that the economic centre has moved to the Southern areas around Badgertown there are large, sparsely inhabited, areas.

The Northern nether regions of Badgertown are almost a separate country to the Southern environs, one of the main causes being the migration of young professional badgers from the north to work in Badgertown itself.

The Northern badgers are a strange folk - they live in rows of terraced burrows, wear flat caps, race pigeons and play brass musical instruments.

There has been much furore, in the region, over the King of the Badgers decision to grant a license to the Badfort Crowd to use hydraulic fracturing, or fracking, to recover gas and oil from shale rock.

For this purpose they have recruited a number of dwarfs (experts in the process) to carry out exploratory drilling.

However, the drill site in has been the scene of anti-fracking protests for the past week, with demonstrators facing off against Beaver Hateman over the controversial technique.

Mister Hateman chucked a bucket of water over them shouting "The North is a right old dump! You should be bloomin grateful - ain't I promised to donate to setting up some whippet and pigeon clubs for you lot? what more you want?"

Monday, 29 July 2013

King of the Badgers becomes Great Grandfather !

There was cause for great celebration in Badgertown last week - Prince Bill Badger and Lady Katie Badger had a baby boy !

The King of the Badgers was over the moon and there have been scenes of much rejoicing in Badgertown.

All eyes have been on Katie's changing pregnancy shape over the last few months but she has always been super-fit and I'm sure she'll be back to her pre-baby shape in no time, helping her husband dig their new burrow next to the King of the Badgers Palace.

So great has interest been in the Royal baby, that stockists say that they have sold out of the Royal Blue swaddle blanket that he was seen wrapped in on leaving hospital.

The new baby has been named Georgy Porgy Badger, after the King of the Badgers father.

Further good news - The Mayor of Badgertown, Dave "the biscuit" Macaroon, has finally decided to crackdown on the Badgertown immigration problem.

Despised in so many countries, Badgertown has been flooded with Tax advisors and accountants seeking asylum.

Lacking basic digging skills, they have been unable to find suitable employment and many, as much as 2%, have taken to a life of petty crime.

The Town Council have launched a mobile billboard campaign telling illegal immigrants to "go home or face arrest”. However, the notorious "Mr Big", said to have advised Starbucks, Amazon and Google, is holed up in a vast underground burrow and refuses to come out.

Friday, 12 July 2013

Tagging ghosts

You may remember the furore , last year, over the King of the Badgers decision to appoint Hateman's Grunge Four (Beaver, Hitmouse. Hootman and Jellytussle) Security to police the Homeward Olympic Games.

Even more malpractices have been revealed to have been perpetrated by this dubious gang of four.

It would seem that, in order to bump up their fees to the King of the Badgers, Hootman had tagged all the ghosts of the Haunted Tower.

"Really," moaned the King "it is a bit much to tag dead people!"

Beaver, however, was unrepentant. "You gotta watch those dead uns, you know" he declared "Them been seen getting up to all sort of mischief at night - rattling their chains and walking through walls and allsorts!"

Furthermore, it would seem that the Gang of Four have also been using strong arm, and other dubious tactics, to sign up dwarfs to ensure their candidate was selected for the forthcoming Badgertown Council elections.

The King of the Badgers was furious. "Honestly," he complained to me "one minute they are ripping me off on their contacts with me, and the next minute they are trying to steal the election from my candidates !"

"Yes, very trying." I said sympathetically, but warily - I felt I knew what was coming next.

"Yes, well, I was just wondering if you could lend me a few thousand - I'm going to need to buy those dwarfs a few treats to get them back on side, you know!" he blustered.