Not surprisingly, he is already close to his target even though it has been up for only a few hours !
For too long the people of that forsaken isle have been bereft of my words of wisdom - on good citizenship and the importance of charitable giving.
No doubt, Marcus will soon be in touch so I can assist him in editing out any unnecessary references to my past and to the more dubious exploits of the Badfort Crowd. I am filling my fountain pen with red ink at this very moment !
The recent news on the
republication of my biographies
in Great Britain has caused me to dwell on the need to chronicle the events
that have occurred in my life since the final volume by the late J.P.Martin.
It is a decision I have put
off for some time. What writer could follow in the footsteps of that scholarly
The old Monkey has suggested Mr
Neil Gaiman. I am a great admirer of his many
works - but is his style too fantastical and whimsical for the depiction of the
minutiae of my many civic duties? Collaboration with Mr Terry Pratchett has
also been proposed, but his work has a satirical edge that would, I believe, be
totally inappropriate for a serious tome depicting my many duties. Will Shudder put forward
his namesake, Mr Will Self.
Completely out of the question. He would get everything back to front and all
over the place. It would just give everyone a terrible headache, reading his
version of events. My personal favourite at
the moment is double Man Booker prize winner Ms Hilary Mantel.
I feel that her experience
would enable her to produce a well-rounded portrait of a pragmatic and talented
elephant, such as myself, attempting to serve the people of Homeward amid the
political machinations of the Badfort Crowd.
She has proved herself more
than able to flesh out the historical fact of a life to produce a complete and
compelling characterisation. I am also sure that she can
be relied upon to forswear any mention of bicycles.
I am most gratified to hear, from the Old Monkey, that a Mister Marcus Gipps is planning a 'Kickstarter' project aimed at funding the publication of an omnibus edition of my biographies, as related by J.P. Martin, in the United Kingdom.
I do have a few spare gold ingots - worth a couple of billion, I believe.
However, this is earmarked for another of my many charitable projects in aid of destitute dwarfs.
I may be able to make a donation from my International Development Fund for Impoverished Countries. Such a shame that the U.K.'s credit rating is so poor now.
I am sure that it will not be needed - Britain's politicians will be all too keen to invest in literature that extols the virtues of good citizenship and paying your rent on time.
Here at Homeward, of course, the books have always been in great demand. I make sure that every child receives a finely-tooled leather bound omnibus edition on their first day of school, gratis from their benefactor.
The only point that has somewhat irked me is the fact that my librarian, Will Shudder, has, so far, refused my offer to revise the manuscripts.
Really, there was no need for the Reverend Martin to make so many references to the bicycle incident. Also, there are occasional references to the anarchic activities of the Badfort Crowd that suggest a humourous element to their behaviour - even, dare I say it, engendering sympathy when they are resoundingly confounded !
I am sure that Mister Gipps will be seeking my advice on how these errors might be corrected. Of course, I would not suggest in any way that funds from the IDFIC would be contingent on my editorial guidance.