Sunday, 27 May 2012

Homeward's First Tower

As you will all be aware, my home, the vast domain of Homeward is a magical place.

It has hundreds of towers all joined together and it is surrounded by a moat with a drawbridge over it... The towers are of many colours, and there are bathing pools and gardens among them.

Switchback railways run from tower to tower, and water-chutes from top to bottom.

Even I do not know the full extent of the rooms, many of which are secret or hidden.

It has not always been like this, however. I have made many improvements since I bought it from Wizard Blenkinsop - but it was he who built the very first tower, in 1810.

On our expedition up the River Oooze, to discover its source, it has been the object I have been most looking forward to beholding.

For truly, it is the First Wonder of Homeward - Wizard Blenkinsop's Great Crystal Tower !

So legend was it's magnificence that Joseph Paxton copied the design of the lower floors for his 'Crystal Palace' that housed the Great Exhibtion held in Great Britain in 1851.

Saturday, 12 May 2012

ArcelorMittal Orbit

Many of you have twittered to remark on the similarity to Mister Kapoor's sculpture for the Olympic Park and the many towers, switchback railways and slides of Homeward.

It is true that Mister Kapoor paid a visit to Homeward to try and gain inspiration for his artwork.

I have to say that I am rather disappointed with the result.

It certainly looks interesting, but where are the slides?, whither the water chutes? To me it pales in comparison to our own architectural splendours, here at Homeward.

I know that the dwarfs will be unimpressed - they always look forward to an exciting ride to work on the switchback railways of Homeward.

How sad for the children of Great Britain - it would appear that all that is on offer is a ride up in a lift for  a view of London.

Witch Trial

 Our expedition up the River Oooze has ground to a halt due to the appalling tropical storms that have raged around this part of Homeward.

We have been forced to make camp with the tribes people of the area.

Discovering that I was the owner of all their lands they have christened me the Great Sahib and insisted that I conduct the trial of a woman that they have declared a witch - the all powerful Re-Beka.

She is accused of using her powers to make men full in love with her - in particular, the tribal leader, Cam-Rune.

"Is it true that you first threatened to expose him in public? That you would cast a spell that would cause him to run around in public naked like a mad man?" I asked.

"I have no recollection of that" she replied.

"Did you cast a spell that made him enamoured of you?" I probed.

"I have no recollection of that - although he did laugh out loud at my threats and then later declared that he loved me lots for long time!" she sniggered.

"I put it to you, Madam, that you have deliberately taken a dose of Gleamhound's Memory Restorer medicine. Everyone knows that his cures have the opposite effect and it is clear to me that you are attempting to avoid the accusation of teeling an untruth under oath!" I declared.

"I have no recollection of that" she replied.

I advised the court to lock her up until the affects of the concoction had worn of.

Friday, 4 May 2012

Redacted e-mail

As the United Kingdom Prime Minister, Mister David Cameron, has now been given core participant status in the Leveson inquiry I have been asked to make certain redactions to the e-mail I have been ordered to submit.

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