Sunday, 25 December 2011

Hateman Saves Christmas !

We were not looking forward to a very merry Christmas here at Homeward.

Following my contretemps with the European Community they have blockaded Homeward.

We were therefore trying to make the best of Christmas, with my finances depleted and none of the usual imported festive treats.

Beaver had taken advantage of the situation and launched a full scale aerial bombardment with Treacle Bombs (that he stored up after the Great Treacle Tower Flood) in an effort to depose me.

Imagine, my surprise, therefore, when instead of the expected rain of sticky missives from Mister Hateman's plane this morning - many brightly coloured parcels started to rain from the sky !

The folk of Homeward scurried around picking up the various parcels. They were full of all sorts of goodies - puddings, mince pies and other Christmas delicacies.

"Look, Sir, a big parcel with your name on it!" cried the Old Monkey.

Before I had the chance to start unwrapping it, out burst Beaver Hateman !

"Hi Unc, sworn enemies we may be mate, but we always have a truce at Christmas and you always lay on a slap up meal for us - just to show you that the Worker's Revolutionary party can organise just as good a do as a fat billionaire we decided to return the favour !" declared Beaver.

"All stolen, I presume ?" I replied sternly.

"Of course, mate - we nicked it all from the EU food mountains !" cackled Beaver.

"Well done - excellent intiative!" said I, with a smile.

I have to say it was one of the best Christmas Eve parties we have had, here at Homeward, - despite the Badfort Crowd's dubious musical contributions.

The people's flag is deepest red,
It shrouded oft our martyr'd dead
And ere their limbs grew stiff and cold,
Their hearts' blood dyed its ev'ry fold.
Then raise the scarlet standard high,
Within its shade we'll live and die,
Though cowards flinch and traitors sneer,
We'll keep the red flag flying here.

Sunday, 18 December 2011

Very Well, Alone

 You will appreciate that, with the current global situation, I have not had time to avail you with my usual missives from Homeward for some months.

My advice has been in great demand from many world leaders, as they struggle with their economic woes.

Firstly, I was offered a large remuneration by the Greeks to sort out their terrible financial deficits.

All I can say is, beware Greeks bearing gifts. Riots broke out, merely, because I advised them to stop breaking plates if you cannot afford to pay for them!

Then, the Italians wanted me to replace Berlusconi. "We need someone well respected around the world, a smart technocrat, like you !" begged Italy's President.

The word "technocracy" comes from the Greek words "tekhne", meaning skill, and "kratos" meaning power. Technocrats thus literally promise to be "problem solvers" – politicians who make decisions based on their expertise or specialist knowledge of a particular subject, rather than to please a particular interest group or political party. 

Being a world-renowned Entrepreneur, I would, of course, have been well suited for the role. Then there was a lot of fuss about the "democratic deficit" involved in appointing a non-Italian of the family Elephantidae. Apparently, many Italians still bare a grudge for my ancestors involvement in Hannibal's attack on Rome. So, I declined the offer.

Homeward, for dimensional, rather than geographic or political, reasons is not part of the European Community.

However, I am always invited to contribute at their summits - as a major player on the world stage.
But at the last summit I was left isolated.

What can I say - Infamy ! they've all got it in for me !

No surprise that the Greeks and Italians were still smarting from my comments - but I was disappointed by the envy shown by Germany over our hard working dwarfs and by the British over the fact that Homeward bankers do as I tell them. Mister Cameron seemed particularly jealous of this fact. 
The French, of course, have always hated the fact that Chateau Homeward is the finest wine in the world.

Then they all turned on me and demanded that I reduce the cost of the Helium 3 from my Moonbase mine !

When I told them that I would do no such thing, they decided that they would blockade Homeward and stop all imports of my goods !

Over the last month times have become very hard - my treasury is much depleted. Of course, Beaver Hateman has taken advantage of the situation and demands that the EU should be assuaged by my exile and the declaration of a Worker's Republic !

He has launched a full scale aerial bombardment with Treacle Bombs that he stored up after the Great Treacle Tower Flood.

The EU has refused to offer aid, unless I exceed to their demands.

Very well, alone !