Mister Richard Herring asked me if I would be willing to be interviewed for his Edinburgh Fringe Podcasts, or RHEFP's as they have become known.
As you know, I do not normally do interviews. I am not one for blowing my own trunk - although I am somewhat classified as a 'celebrity' I prefer to remain as much out of the harsh glare of the limelight as possible. Accept, of course, at times when I must appear at public events such as the World Summit's.
Also, I must say that Mister Herring and I have had some disagreement on Twitter regarding the best uses for the internet. In my opinion it is not the place for 'comedy' but should be used to disseminate public information and advice on good citizenship.
However, The Old Monkey informed me that Mister Herring had recently acceded the throne of Edinburgh.
"No doubt, Sir, he has heard of the sage advice that you offer the King of the Badgers." he advised.
"Hmmm, well I am always willing to offer counsel to royalty - as long as he does not try and tap me for a loan like the King of the Badgers !" I chuckled.
As you see from this transcript, I feel that the interview was a shameless farrago and I was involved under entirely false pretences.
RH: My next guest is the world renowned elephant and tycoon, Uncle!
Uncle: Thank you, your majesty - I am happy to offer any advice I can on how to conduct your global affairs.
RH: I've got a girlfriend you know.
Uncle: Really ? of course, I meant affairs of a political nature.
RH: It is true to say that you are a large figure on the global stage.
Uncle: Yes, I am well regarded...
RH: A giant figure...
Uncle: Yes, my advice is much sort after by...
Beaver Hateman: Fat ! thats, what you mean Rick me old mate ! a fat dictator !
RH: Ladies and Gentlemen, my other guest today - the popular anarchist Beaver Hateman !
Uncle: I was given assurances that this vile creature would not be present !
Beaver Hateman: Go on ask him about the bike...go on...
RH: Ah yes, now, is it not true that you once stole a bicycle?
Uncle: I made it clear that I would not be answering questions on that particular incident invloving the borrowing of said conveyance in my youth...
Beaver Hateman: He stole a bicycle....He stole a bicycle...
Uncle: Listen, Hateman - I am only here to give guidance to Mister Herring, I'm sorry, his Majesty, on how he should conduct himself as the King of Edinburgh...
RH: What would you advise for my first action then ?
Uncle: I have noticed that there is far too much alcohol being consumed at this 'festival', leading to much out of control behaviour. My advice would be for you to immediately close some of the more disreputable alcohol outlets....
Beaver Hateman: Oh, here we go...
Uncle:...such as the stall I noticed selling that lethal intoxicant known as 'Black Tom' - run I gathered by members of the Badfort Crowd.
RH: The Badfort Crowd - the anarcho syndicalist group organised by Mister Hateman?
Beaver Hateman: Yeah! - as usual the boasting capitalist of Homeward is trying to put the kibosh on other peoples fun !
Uncle: I find that government leaders tend to heed my warnings...
Beaver Hateman: What ?, you mean like the King of the Badgers ? - bunging him dosh to keep him in your pocket?
Uncle: Occasionally, the King of the Badgers finds himself short of funds and asks me for loan - but that does not mean that I expect any favours in return.
Beaver Hateman: Not much, you old tyrant ! - go on Rick ask him for some money...go on...
RH: Well, what would I have to do for it ?
Uncle: Well, something you could do that would really inspire the population, I have found, is if you were to show yourself to the people. It is important for a Monarch to make his presence felt in difficult times. I would suggest that you display yourself in a large perspex box - perhaps wearing placards with inspiring messages? Such as "Pay your rent on time, be an upstanding citizen, and you will always have a friend in the King of Edinburgh"
Beaver Hateman: Do you really think that Rick would debase himself in that way just for a hand out from you!
RH: How much, exactly, would I get ?
The interview carried on in a similar rancorous manner until finally I had no choice but to give both Hateman and The King of Edinburgh a good kicking up.
I had some fear that I might be arrested for treason - but the Old Monkey now informs me that Mister Herring is not a proper King at all.
I have had to cut short my holiday in Sunset Cove in order to deal with the outrageous behavior of the Badfort Crowd.
For what he claims are economic and sociological justifiable reasons, he and his gang of criminals have gone on a looting spree.
"We are robbin' the rich to give to the poor - and there is no one poorer than us!" he declared.
This is clearly not the case, however, as they have targeted high value consumer electronic items rather than the basic necessities of life.
Indeed, they totally ignored Cheapman's store -why steal a motorbike from his emporium when he sells them for only 6d ?
No - Hateman and his cronies rampaged through Dearman's store.
Duncan Dearman has a little shop in a side street opposite Cheapman's huge store. All his goods are frightfully dear.
The Badfort Crowd got away with a number of the latest valve technology televisions - priced at £4,567 3s 6d, an alarm clock with broken bell - priced at £98 6s 9d, and a number of the very latest tablet computers. They struggled with these, because Dearman's models are the size of a paving stone.
Poor old Duncan came to see me in a very distressed state. "My business is ruined !" he cried - how can I possibly replace all this valuable stock?"
Whilst the Old Monkey tried to comfort him, I nipped out to Shankell's Junk Shop.
"I'll take the lot - everything in the store!" I declared.
"Everything!" shouted Shankell with glee. "I'm afraid that will cost you a £100, Sir - it's the best I can do!"
"Money is no object - in these difficult times we must all rally round - have it all delivered to Dearman's store, at once!" I replied.
Dearman was over the moon. "I cannot believe your generosity, Sir. You have completely restocked my shop. These items must have a retail value of a million pounds at least ! - I shall start pricing them up immediately!"
Of course, Dearman has very little business at the prices he charges - but it is his lifes work.
"I do not no how to express my gratitude enough, Sir!" he cried.
"It is enough to see your shop open for business, again!" I demurred.
Meanwhile, Beaver Hateman is furious. "I can't give this tat away!" he fumed as he tried to sell his ill-gotten gains to customers going into Cheapman's.