Saturday, 28 May 2011

The Revolution Will Be Televised...but not Twittered

It has come to my notice that Beaver Hateman intends to start the revolution tomorrow, outside Badgertown Town Hall, at 4.00 p.m.

Contrary to the claims on Beaver's blog I shall allow it to be broadcast on Homeward TV - on HBC 2.
Everyone will be watching the final of Homeward's Got Talent on HBC 1 anyway - who would want to watch a lot of political nonsense when the dancing dog is on the other side?

Of course, modern technology is totally out of control, I cannot allow Beaver to use Twitter to incite the populace to violence.

Luckily, Cowgill has found a way to hack into Beaver's account and has developed a sofware that replaces inflammatory words with more innocuous ones:

This is Beaver's original Twit:

and this is how it is seen by the citizens of Badgertown:

A nice cup of tea should calm things down a bit.

Monday, 23 May 2011

Who shot cock twitter?

There us a great deal of controversy, raging in Homeward, over an incident that has taken place over the weekend.

It would appear that whilst Beaver Hateman and a professional footballer (who I cannot name due to a superinjunction) were taking a walk in Monkey and Engine Room Wood they became enraged at the irritating behaviour of the Twitter bird.

They are well known for their ability to mimic human speech and spread gossip amongst the denizens of the Twittersphere. It would seem that they taunted the pair with cries of "Who's been a naughty boy then?"

It is alleged that the footballer took a pot shot at the flock and seriously injured Cock Twitter.

This has caused outrage, as the Twitter is a protected species. A spokeman for the Royal Society for the Preservation of Social Networking Birds stated that "This is a heinous crime - without the Twitter bird how would we know when The King of the Badgers is having his tea?"

Friday, 20 May 2011

Dead Scob Fish unrelated to Rapture

A lot of the dwarfs in Homeward are in a right old panic.

Thousands of dead Scob Fish have been raining down from the skies.

They are convinced that they are the first signs of The Rapture - the end of the world!

Luckily it turned out merely to be the Badfort Crowd indulging in their usual dubious activities - in this case, the highly illegal practice of Blast or Dynamite fishing.

Scob fish are much prized as this small savage fish provides oil for the Badfort Crowd's lamps. Some of them even like to eat the awful things washed down with a swig of Black Tom!

Wednesday, 18 May 2011

Badgertown unites in face of Honey Badger attack!

The inhabitants of Badgertown have put aside their differences to unite in face of a common enemy.

A fierce band of Honey badgers sought to take advantage of Badgertown's weakness - brought about by the squabbles over the referendum result.

Honey badgers are a piratical bunch of brigands who prey on beleaguered communities - taking them over, asset stripping them and then setting up banks and companies offering financial services.

They are notoriously fearless and tough animals, having been known to savagely attack their enemies. They are tireless in combat and can wear out much larger animals in physical confrontations.

They have short and sturdy legs. The eyes are small, and the ears are little more than ridges on the skin, another possible adaptation to avoiding damage while fighting. A large white band covers their upper bodies, beginning from the top of their heads down to the base of their tails.

They are skilled diggers, being able to dig tunnels into hard ground in 10 minutes. This is believed to be the reason they were so easily able to spring up all around Badgertown.

The battle cry the honey badger is a hoarse "khrya-ya-ya-ya" sound, and their cries could be heard all over the municipality - as they infiltrated the King of the Badgers Palace and the Town Hall!

I must give credit to Beaver Hateman, for a change, he successfully convinced the townspeople to put aside their differences in the face of the onslaught.

None fought more fiercely than the Badfort Crowd themselves. The King of the Badgers managed to escape and raise the alarm - and I was soon able to muster a group of my followers to go to the defence of Badgertown.

I was just administering a good kicking up to the disreputable leader of the Honey badgers and as he threw a duck bomb at the retreating bandits Beaver cried out to me "Got hear in the end did you Unc!, after we done all the hard fighting, I see !"

Ungrateful retrobate!

At least some good has come out of this vicious assault - the citizens of Badgertown have agreed to take down the walls they erected, to divide the town, and decided to try and settle their differences amicably.

Monday, 16 May 2011

Homevision Song Contest fails to bring down walls

I had hoped that The Homevision Song Contest would bring together the strife torn inhabitants of Badgertown.

As you know, following the referendum debacle, the various factions have split the town apart by building walls around their sectors.

So, instead of the usual single entry from Badgertown we had three songs - one from the central district (still called Badgertown and ruled over by the King of the Badgers), one from Progressville and one from Anarchadia (the enclave run by the Badfort Crowd).

All seemed to be going swimmingly, with the various groups applauding each other's songs.

Then Beaver and his cronies got everyone riled up with an awful punk dirge - a vicious attack on the King of the Badgers!

Boom bang-a-bang-bang 
Blow up the Palace
Boom bang-a-bang-bang
Down with hereditary monarchy
Boom bang-a-bang-bang
Throw off the yoke of Badger oppression!

This, of course, received a resounding null points from everyone - except the Badfort contingent.

The winner was a beautifully melodic song, submitted by a very beautiful Crookball lady representing Lonely Tower.

Congratulations and celebrations
It is so wonderful to have Uncle as our friend
La lalala lalala lalala...La lalala lalala la...

Who would believe that we could be so happy and contented?
With such a generous landlord and philanthropist!
La lalala lalala lalala...La lalala lalala la...

We were afraid that maybe he thought he was above us
But he cares for all his tenants, however lowly!
La lalala lalala lalala...La lalala lalala la... 

Congratulations and jubilations
We want the world to know we're happy as can be! 

La lalala lalala lalala...La lalala lalala la... 

What lovely sentiments - I blush at their kindness.

Saturday, 7 May 2011

Referendum Fallout

As you know, the referendum on a new voting system for the Badgertown Town Council has resulted in a resounding No vote for change.

However the 30% who voted for change, particularly amongst the intelligentsia of Dwarfden, Porkington and Badgerbridge, are furious and have decided to declare independence from Badgertown. They have built a wall around 30% of Badgertown and renamed the area Progressville !

The other 70% have built a wall around the centre of Badgertown.

However, worse was to come. Beaver Hateman insisted that, as 60% of the population had not voted at all, the referendum proved that the majority of the citizens wanted anarchy. He argued that it showed that the Badfort Party had a clear mandate to take power and has set up an independent state within Badgertown called Anarchadia !.

It has to be said that he has won a lot of people over, declaring that they do not need to choose between pubs or cafes and can have both! A generous offer considering that the Badfort Crowd only ever drink Black Tom.

The Badfort Crowd have been busy building barricades around the remaining areas of Badgertown - leaving the King of the Badgers, surrounded by walls, in an enclave in the centre.

Beaver Hateman has blocked rail and road access, so, in what has become known as the Badgertown Airlift, I am using my helicopter to bring in supplies for the beleaguered citizens.

Dave "the biscuit" Macaroon, Mayor of Badgertown, is telling everyonme to calm down.

Nick 'Cream' Custard, the Mayoress, is hiding in a cupboard. The King of the Badgers is furious with him - after all this referendum idea was all his. I warned the King that it would just open up a can of worms!

Friday, 6 May 2011

No Vote in Referendum

 As you know, the Badgertown Town Council Election, last year, resulted in a hung Council.

Dave "the biscuit" Macaroon became Mayor and Nick 'Cream' Custard became Mayoress. This meant that he had to wear a dress, and although he was not happy about this - he agreed to do it for the sake of stable government.

As part of the coalition agreement, Dave agreed to have a vote on voting reform.

The campaign has been quite acrimonious, to say the least!

All was going quite well for the Yes campaign until Dan Snowy-Badger (the only albino badger in Badgertown!) decided to make a video explaining how the AV system would work.

It was all about choosing whether to go to the pub or a cafe - but this, of course, incensed the badgers of Badgertown - who are quite conservative and all teetotal!

Extraordinarily, however, it did manage to win over quite a few of the Badfort Crowd who were going to vote No to reform. They like nothing more than a pint of Black Tom down the pub!

However, things got very confused when the badgers thought that it would mean that the Badfort Crowd would be able to vote to all go round to a badger's set for a Knees Up!

We all know that badgers have strong views on their sets. A badger's set is his refuge - hence the dictum "A Badgertown badger's set is his bunker"

Not surprisingly, many of the dwarfs have been confused by the idea. As one remarked "I like Dan Snowy-Badger. He comes across as wise but still the kind of chap you’d go for a pint with but it promotes drinking beer and I need to lose weight. I can’t drink beer - could I still  order a white wine spritzer under AV?"

This has resulted in a resounding No vote in the AV referendum.

Well, I say resounding - 70% voted No and 30% voted Yes, but, 60% did not vote at all because they were all inebriated from spending the afternoon down the pub, and said that they had really intended to vote for going to a nightclub but had got to befuddled to count how many others wanted to go!

They all ended up in the Cafe, anyway, having a strong black coffee to sober themselves up!

Wednesday, 4 May 2011

Royal Wedding Triumph!

I know that you are all desperate to hear news of how the Royal Wedding fiasco ended.
As you know, Beaver Hateman ran off with the bride before vows could be exchanged.

This prompted a constitutional crisis - Beaver Hateman declared himself the new King of the Badgers and exhorted, from the balcony of the Town Hall, all badgers to follow him and their favourite Princess.

"O.K. but first you have to prove you love each other!" declared one young badger.

"Yeah. Kiss her! Kiss her!" chanted the crowd.

As the Princess looked adoringly into Beaver's eyes it looked as if all was lost.

The game would have been up - if it were not for the Old Monkey's eagle eyes.
"I spotted Hitmouse spiking the Princess's drink prior to the ceremony, Sir." he informed me.
"He poured in a vial of Gleamhound's Hate Potion!"

Gleamhound's medicines are all very good, but they act the wrong way. For instance, his headache Mixture gives you a frightful headache, his Jumbo Bunion Destroyer is well calculated to rouse bunions on a perfectly healthy foot. His Jacob's Eye Salve can put your eyes out for weeks, whereas his Punishment Eyesight Irritant (for enemies) will often cure people who have had to wear glasses for years.

"I have taken the precaution of advising the Prince to put some of Gleamhound's Love Potion into her champagne glass on the balcony - it should be beginning to take effect about now." added the Old Monkey.

At that moment, to the delight of the crowd, Beaver leaned in to kiss the Princess - but, as if awakening from a dream, she slapped his face and shouted "Get off me you horrible little oik! Ugh! you smell disgusting - and how dare you wear  that awful sackcloth outfit on my wedding day? Where is my Prince?"

At this point the Prince stepped out onto the balcony and, to rousing cheers from the crowd, took her in his arms and kissed her.
"Oh, my hero!" sighed the Princess.

Thus, this lingering kiss on the balcony averted a constitutional revolution and saved Badgertown from having an anarchist commoner (not even a badger!) King!

Tuesday, 3 May 2011

Ten of the best: castles

Of course, I appreciate that you are all keen to hear what happened after the Royal Wedding fiasco. However, this must wait as far more important news has come in.

Homeward has been listed as the best castle in the Top Ten castles of the world!

Mister John Mullan has compiled the list for The Guardian newspaper of Great Britain.

Due to an error, on the part of some editor I imagine, the list has been printed back to front - with Homeward at the bottom!

Even more bizarrely - most of the castles appear to be fictitious!

I have therefore composed my own list which I believe more accurately displays the virtues of the great castles of the world.


Homeward is hard to describe, but try to think of about a hundred skyscrapers all joined together and surrounded by a moat with a drawbridge over it, and you'll get some idea. The towers are of many colours, and there are bathing pools and gardens amongst them, also switchback railways running from tower to tower, and water-chutes from top to bottom. It is, of course, the largest (and most glorious) castle in the world - larger than Manhattan!

So legendary is Homeward that it has been immortalised in song many times:

Forget Manhattan, I'll take Homeward, the Moat,
and Lonely Tower too, it's lovely going through the zoo
It's very fancy on old Uncle Street, you know.
The switchback charms us so, when balmy breezes blow to and fro.
And tell me what tower compares with Lion Tower in July.

All other castles are much smaller and of little architectural interest.

Neuschwanstein Castle

 Royal palace in the Bavarian Alps of Germany, the most famous of three royal palaces built for Louis II of Bavaria, sometimes referred to as Mad King Ludwig, who grew up nearby at Hohenschwangau Castle. I'm not surprised he was mad - looks like something out of a Disney movie!

Palace of Versailles 

 Let them eat cake indeed!  - it looks like a cheap wedding cake! Not even a proper castle!

Chateau de Chamonceau

Again - not even a proper castle. It was built on the site of an old mill on the River Cher and is really nothing more than a glorified mill!

Chateau du Chambord

Alright, if you like that sort of thing - I suppose.

Linderhof Palace

A lot of schloss if you ask me!

Tower of London

Who would want to live there ! It's more like a prison!

Leeds Castle

 Tiny, and the maze is rubbish!


Not my cup of tea - barely bigger than the Great Hall of Homeward.

Mont Saint Michel

Cut off by the sea half the time - and having to listen to those monks chanting all the time - what a bore!