Friday, 29 April 2011

Royal Wedding Disaster!

The Royal Wedding between Prince Bill Royal-Badger and Katie Middleclass-Badger has gone pear-shaped!

To make matters worse, the whole fiasco has been transmitted live to billions, around the world!

This is a transcript of the event, as broadcast by the Badgertown Broadcasting Corporation, with commentary by the newsreader Huge Eddie.

Bishop Badger: If there is anyone present, who knows of any just cause why this couple may not be lawfully joined in marriage, make it now known or forever after keep your peace.

Huge Eddie: There seems to be some kerfuffle going on at the back of the Church? I can see an ugly looking man in sackcloth shouting...I think it is Beaver Hateman?... 

Beaver Hateman: Katie...Katie...Katie...

King of the Badgers: Who is that? What's he doing?

Uncle: I'll take care of him

Old Monkey: He's too late

Huge Eddie: This is astonishing...I can see Uncle running down the aisle! I think that he is going to kick Beaver up!

Katie: (screaming) Beaver!

Huge Eddie: Beaver has dodged around Uncle...he has grabbed Katie's hand and is pulling her toward the doors! The Bishop is trying to stop him!

Beaver Hateman: Out of my way!

Huge Eddie: Beaver has hit him over the head with a jar of Black Tom! Uncle has grabbed hold of Katie's wrist!

Uncle: Katie - it's too late.

Katie: Not for me. I have always been a secret anarchist!

Huge Eddie: Katie has pulled away from Uncle and jumped on a wooden-legged donkey with Beaver! They are escaping down the mall!
No wonder the King of the Badgers wanted to hush up the information I had discovered of an affair between Beaver Hateman and a student at St.Andrews!

It was not to spare the blushes of the Queen of England, but his own!

Katie Middleclass Badger attended St.Andrews in 2001.

Despite the fact that Kate Middleton is a human and Katie Middleclass is a badger, one can see, with the similarities of surname, how the confusion arose.

It is bedlam now, here at Badgertown. The many street parties have descended into riots, with Prince Bill factions fighting Princess Katie supporters.

I knew Beaver Hateman was up to something! He has achieved his aim, as Badgertown descends into anarchy!

Wednesday, 27 April 2011

Superinjunctions and Wedding Gaffe

I was intending to write today of some scandalous news I have recieved from a contact in the United Kingdom. It concerns a well known anarchist leader from Badfort and his relationship with a young lady student whilst he was engaged in 'teaching' political studies at St.Andrews University (in Scotland) during 2001.

Unfortunately, the King of the Badgers has issued a super injunction preventing me from disclosing any further details.

"One is in enough trouble with the Queen of England as it is!" he shouted at me. "I put you in charge of sorting out my son's wedding shindig, and you go and schedule it on the same day as Lizzie's bash!"

I was furious! After all, he conned me into paying for the jamboree! How was I to know that some minor European royal would choose to have their wedding on the same day!

Apparently, The Queen of England is furious about the fact that, due to my superior wedding planning skills, her grandson's wedding 'do' has been completely overshadowed by the Badger Royal Wedding.

It is true, billions are expected to watch the two badgers tie the knot on TV around the world.

The Badgertown Broadcasting Corpration have really gone to town with their coverage, as can be seen by clicking on their website, above.

The Americans love anything to do with royalty and were intending to make a big deal over William and Kate's marriage - but with the yanks, nothing trumps Royal Badgers.

I fear that The Queen will not be keen to hear further bad news, especially from myself. But, the United Kingdom faces the greatest threat to political stability that it has ever known. How can I not warn them of the anarchist cuckoo in in the Constitutional Monarch's nest?

Thursday, 21 April 2011

Royal Wedding - badgers led by donkeys?

As you know, The King of the Badgers begged me to organise this Royal wedding shindig.

It has proven to be a diplomatic and political minefield.

Everyone, of course, had assumed that the bride and bridegroom's carriage would be drawn by the Respectable Horses.

There are four Respectable Horses, Mayhave Crunch and his three sisters Anna, Anne and Annette.

They always look so neat and tidy, and it's wonderful to see how smooth and black their coats are. Near the throat they have a patch of white almost like a clergyman's collar, and they always have well-brushed hooves. The Respectable Horses are never driven. They just put themselves between the shafts and drive off.

The King of the Badgers is in a  quandary, however. Beaver Hateman is determined that the coach should be drawn by the wooden-legged donkey, ridden by himself, and his brother the wooden-headed donkey.

It is a strange request, given that the Badfort Crowd are a bunch of anti-royalist anarchists, and I am sure that Beaver Hateman is up to no good.

But, with the Badgertown Town Council elections looming, the King of the Badgers wants to make the the affair as inclusive as possible and not to antagonise the Badfort Party - who he may have to negotiate with after the polls.

The thought of the Royal Coach being pulled by a couple of mangy donkeys is an anathema to me - it will make a mockery of the majesty of the event. No doubt, that is Beaver Hateman's intention.

Wednesday, 20 April 2011

A Wonderful Day Shopping PP

I woke up this morning, not having had a good night's sleep, feeling quite tired and groggy.

A quick dose of Gleamhound's Sleepeazee (his wonderful concoctions always work backwards) and I soon felt wide awake and ready for action. Full of natural ingredients it has a remarkable restorative effect.

What better, I thought, for breakfast than one of Butterskin Mute's Juicy Organic Pumpkins. They are always so plump and juicy - full of flavour and a a must-have for holiday cooking.

The weather being so marvelous, I decided to book a week at Wolf Lodge. Miss Amy Wolf is a wonderful host and her terms are very reasonable. Her hot cocoa is a delight. The bathroom is refurbished with fresh new tiles and heaters. New lighting, curtains and carpets throughout. A DVD Player and screen has been added to the upstairs bedroom, along with and ipod docking station.

Ideal to enjoy Sunset Beach, whether you're relaxing or being active, you'll find it adapts to your wishes.

But, I know what you are thinking, I will need transport when I get there, won't I?

Luckily, Cheapman is doing a special offer on bicycles at the moment!

Bicycle design and engineering has been evolving rapidly in the past 20 years and there is much more to be seen when it comes to design and functionality.

Cheapman's is Badgertown's leading retailer of cycles and accessories. With over 100 years of cycling Heritage and superb brand choice, Cheapman's is best placed to help you find the right bike. Cheapman's has the largest selection of cycles and accessories in Badgertown and sells more bikes than any other retailer!

I bought this bike for only 5 guineas 12s 6d !

Phew! well that should pay the running costs of my blog for the rest of the year!

Tuesday, 19 April 2011

No to AV Campaign

The campaign in the referendum on voting reform for the Badgertown Town Council is hotting up.

The Badfort Crowd are campaigning against reform - they clearly fear that under a new system they will lose seats on the council.

Their first ad campaign, predictably played on badgers fears of the cost:

But I think they have gone much too far with their second ad - threatening a poor kitten if badgers do not vote in their favour.

Three Cups of Tea, Two Bunches of Bananas, and a Scone fraud row

There have been outrageous allegations made against my person on Badfort TV and in the Badfort News:

Uncle, best-selling author, philanthropist, dictator and favourite of President Barack Obama is fighting off another title: fraudster. The influential author of "Three Cups of Tea, Two Bunches of Bananas, and a Scone" has become the latest bestselling memoir writer to be accused of passing off fiction as fact.

Uncle's book is an inspirational tale of an elephant who finds a remote village after climbing to the top of Lonely Tower, the Homeward's highest skyscraper.

 It is so high that the whole tower bends in the wind. 

He is taken in by Crookball people and three cups of tea, two bunches of bananas, and a scone later he promises to build them a school. 

The charity inspired by the encounter has raised $60m and in 2009 said it was supporting 54 schools in across Homeward serving 28,475 students. Obama donated $100,000 to the group from the proceeds of his Nobel prize. The book has become required reading in the US of A.

But reporters for Badfort TV's 60 Minutes programme visited almost 30 of the schools and claimed that roughly half were empty, built by someone else or not receiving any support. 

The programme alleged that Uncle's charity, Uncle's Crookball Institute (UCI), spent more on book promotion and publicity than on building schools. Uncle took private jets to events where he was paid $30,000 to speak, according to the programme, and former associates accused him of using UCI as his own "private ATM".

These are scandalous lies! My reputation a a great benefactor has been impugned!

The schools are full of Crookballs who are all very grateful for my assistance!

Monday, 11 April 2011

Forbes - The World's Billionaires

I must say, I have been somewhat mystified by the number of e-mails I have received from admirers enraged at my absence from the Forbes Fictional 15 list.

Why, in heaven's name, would one expect to find me there?

I am, of course, top of the list of the World's Billionaire - as can be seen by clicking on the image above.

Entirely appropriate, and somewhat reassuring that all is at it should be.