Friday, 30 April 2010

Total Wipeout - The Leader's Debate 3

Last night was the final Mayoral candidate's debate for The Badgertown Council Election.

Once more, The King of the Badgers decided the format for the debate and, again, based the rules on one of his favourite TV programmes.

This week it was Total Wipeout!

The debate was based in a large pool of water and mud and candidates had to get across their points whilst crossing a large assault course.

Gordon 'Fudge' Brownie was doing quite well, avoiding Dave "the biscuit" Macaroon's and Nick 'Cream' Custrad's sucker punches, however he came unstuck at the Big Balls. These were four large inflatable balls that the candidates had to jump. Gordon was just explaining a difficult piece of fiscal policy when he lost concentration and slipped up.

However, Dave and Nick also came unstuck on the Sweeper. The candidates had to stand on 10-foot-tall podiums, over water, whilst a robotic arm span around in a circular motion attempting to knock them off. Candidates had to time their jumps perfectly to avoid this.

Unfortunately, Dave and Nick were having such a spate about how many dwarfs should be allowed to come to Badgertown that they both were sent flying!

With all the candidates knocked out it looked like it was election game over - but a new candidate has emerged from nowhere!

Alonzo S. Whitebeard has thrown his hat into the ring. He ran out of the audience and effortlessly made it through the "Wipeout Zone"

Alonzo is well known as a great miser.

Apparently, he had lost a penny through a hole in his pocket, it had rolled into the zone and he was determined to retrieve it.

In his efforts to get back his penny he pushed the politicians aside shouting "What do you know about fiscal policy! What we need to do is Make Do and Mend!"

This has now become the slogan of his campaign and has struck a chord with ordinary voter.

"Stop all this extravagant spending - Make Do and Mend!" declared the white whiskered skinflint last night.

Wednesday, 28 April 2010


The Badgertown Mayoral candidate Gordon 'Fudge' Brown has been heard describing an elderly badger as a "smelly" in a conversation caught by a microphone as he left a campaign visit in Badgertown.

The conversation was picked up by a microphone that had been placed on his sack-cloth suit to record his conversations during the campaigning visit.

Mrs Handbag had confronted Brown on the subject of putting Badgers first.

She told him: "After all - it is called Badgertown! My family have always liked Beaver Hateman - my father even sung the Red Flag, but now I am ashamed of saying I'm Bad."

After getting into his car, Brown was heard to say: "Pheew! she was a smelly old badger wasn't she?"

Monday, 26 April 2010

Big Society - Small Government

I follow the Badgertown Town Council Election with much interest.

I find all this talk of a 'Big Society' quite perplexing - it seems not so longer ago that some of the candidates denied even the existence of society!

Here at Homeward we already have a number of big societies! After all, it is a very big place - some parts of which, to this day, remain unexplored and unmapped.

We have Noddy Ninety's Steam Transport Society, the Best Kept Tower Society, the Dwarf Throwing Society, The Spells and General Wizardry Society, The Cocoa Drinker's Society, The Homeward Green Preservation Society and many others.

I, of course, am the Chairelephant of all these commitees. It is an onerous duty, but these responsibilities are the burden that one has to carry when one is the richest elephant in the world.

Homeward has a small government - after all, I own the whole place!

Frontline services are delivered under the auspices of these many great bodies. My many fabulous parties act as a kind of parliament, these are where I keep my trunk on the pulse of our societies. They also provide an opportunity for me to spread the ethos of our community - "be upstanding, pay your rent, and you will have a friend in Uncle"

They also provide an arena for all the latest gossip - mutuality flourishes over a good natter about the latest contestants on "Homeward's Got Talent"!

Here at Homeward, Butterskin Mute toils the land, the many dwarfs toil the gold mines, and Noddy Ninety toils relentlessly to keep the trains on time!

And I toil for all! - for, Homeward is the spiritual capital of the self-sufficient entrepreneur (that's me!)

Friday, 23 April 2010

Blind Date - The Leader's Debate 2

The stakes were raised for the three Mayoral candidates, Gordon ‘Fudge’ Brownie, Dave, the biscuit, Macaroon and Nick ‘Cream’ Custard as they went head to head for the second televised debate of the 2010 Badgertown Mayoral election campaign.

The King of the Badgers has decided the format for these debates - he appears to have been influenced by the structure of some of his favourite television programmes. This second debate has been based on the popular Badgertown Broadcasting Corporation show ‘Blind Date’.

The compere, Priscilla Badger, began by introducing the young lady who would be questioning the candidates. Edna Average had been selected as the most, statistically verified, ordinary voter of Badgertown.

Priscilla: We’re gonna have a lorra lorra fun tonight so lets meet the luvly lady who gets to choose from our three gorgeous guys. Well, Edna I know that you have got a lorra lorra luvly lot of questions so lets have your first one please!

Edna: Question one to number three, if you had a foreign affairs policy – what would it be!

Nick Custard: I am sure that you are so attractive, I would never even consider having an affair!

Edna: Oooh ur! And number two?

Dave Macaroon: Don’t get caught! Phoaar!

Edna: Hmmm, number three!

Gordon Brownie: You would be my foreign affair - I would whisk you away to Badfort where we could drink Black Tom, wear sack cloth and watch the sun set over Gaby’s Marsh – it don’t get much more romantic than that!

Edna: Sounds entrancing – Question two to number two. If I found you dipping in my purse how would you restore my faith in you?

Dave Macaroon: Zero tolerance! I would resign as your boyfriend immediately - spending the rest of my life pining for you and wondering how I could have been so stupid. Constantly sending you abject letters of apology and red roses – er, no not red roses – green trees!

Edna: I’ve only got a small garden, you know. Number three?

Nick Custard: I would insist on a complete change of the system. I would apologise profusely and buy you a safe to put your money in.

Edna: And what about you number one?

Gordon Brownie: I would not apologise – for I would only have borrowed the money to place a bet on the 2.30 at Badmarket races. I would shower you with the winnings and you would profess undying love for me!

Edna: Ooooh I think I would you know. O.K., Question number three for number one. Will you still need me, will you still love me, when I’m 64?

Gordon Brownie: Course, I would darling! We at the Bad Party don’t believe in retirement cos we never do any work anyway! It’s the good life, innit, all the Scob fish and Black Tom you can eat and drink at Badfort!

Edna: I’m not sure I care for Scob Fish – I have a delicate stomach….what about you number two?

Dave Macaroon: Well, I will look after you, of course. I should be giving you dignity and security in old age, however, not at sixty four. I’m afraid it will have to be nearer sixty seven. Also, I would require £8,000, in case you need nursing. You really can’t expect me to wipe your bottom.

Edna: Huh! Number three?

Nick Custard: I’m quite handy at mending fuses and every summer we can rent a cottage on the Isle of Wight - providing fiscal policy allows.

Edna: My next question – to number two. If I decided to choose all three of you, would a coalition date bother you?

Dave Macaroon: I am afraid that I could not see that working – Gordon is an anarchist and Nick is wet. We would only end up squabbling about who was going to kiss you goodnight.

Edna: Number three?

Nick Custard: Of course it would work – I don’t mind sharing you!

Edna: And number one?

Gordon Brownie: I’ll knock their blocks off – have you seen the size of my club?

Edna: Ummm, yes, moving onto my final question. When Uncle next visits Badgertown will the candidates dissociate themselves from him? Number three?

Nick Custard: Well, I think that Uncle has some good points and some bad points…perhaps we should have a refererendum?

Gordon Brownie: Aw shuddup ! – he’s a bloomin’ tyrant….always throwin’ his massive weight around!

Dave Macaroon: Rubbish! Uncle is a figure to look up to…he embodies the entrepreneurial spirit…a fine example to us all…

Gordon Brownie: Shut yer face, slime ball!

Nick Custard: Now, now there is no need for this bickering…can we not find a consensus?

Priscilla: Well, that was a lorra lorra fascinating political debate…so Edna which one is it to be?

Graham: Yes Edna, whose it to be? Dave, who will look after you into your old age, providing you can stump up the cash ? – or Nick who has no problem with a threesome?, or Gordon who can’t wait to buy you a sack cloth bridal suit?

Edna: None of the above….I choose the incumbent Mayor, Noddy Ninety!

Priscilla: Ooooh, well, I am sure you will have a lorra lorra fun with Noddy even though he is a lorra lorra years old!

Thursday, 22 April 2010

I will not act if Council hung

Rumours circulating that I would interfere in the case of a hung council after the Badgertown elections are baseless.

The suggestion by the Mayoral candidate, Dave, the biscuit, Macaroon is without foundation.

I met with the King of the Badgers yesterday - to discuss his present financial difficulties.

As usual, I was happy to lend him some money - to tide him over - at a very generous rate of interest. A halfpenny in the pound over one year, if you must know.

The idea that I would wish to interfere in the internal poliitics of Badgertown is absurd!

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Friday, 16 April 2010

Badgertown’s Got Talent – The Leader’s Debate

Last night saw the first of three televised debates between the candidates for Mayor in the Badgertown elections.

The King of the Badgers has decided the format for theses debates - he appears to have been influenced by the structure of some of his favourite television programmes.

Each candidate was required to sing, dance, or perform in some manner - competing against each other for audience support.

Dave, the biscuit, Macaroon chose to sing his replies. He gave a marvellous rendition of “I've Been Everywhere, man”. In which he listed all the various districts of Badgertown that he had visited and the people he had met. I must say, however, that it became somewhat tedious, as every question was answered with a song. We were treated to performances of “You've got a friend”, “All together now”, and of course the classic “Cumulative current budget deficit blues”

The Bad Party candidate, Gordon 'Fudge' Brownie, decided to answer all questions via a glove puppet effigy of myself. Utterly disgraceful.

The rules of debate forbade the audience from laughing or clapping, but I was furious to see members of the audience covering their mouths and going very red in the face during Gordon’s performances. They were clearly trying to suppress their giggles – something I cannot understand, as there was nothing funny about his antics. Also, I do not go around shrieking, “Where are my bananas?” when asked questions about fiscal policy.

Nick Custard, of the Yellow Mellow Party, did surprisingly well in the debate. I was most impressed by his banana juggling act and his assertion that “Electrical banana Is gonna be a sudden craze. Electrical banana Is bound to be the very next phase.”

He clearly has a grasp on the future direction for Badgertown and the importance of herbaceous plants of the genus Musa in that future.

The incumbent Mayor, Noddy Ninety, fared least well in the debate. He had insisted on setting up his model railway and giving a long lecture on the importance of running the railways on time. He answered every question in a very flat way – as if reading from a timetable. He also had an annoying habit of blowing his whistle at regular intervals claiming that it was time for the candidates to leave the platform or they would miss the last train to Clarksville - “Cause I've made your reservation, don't be slow, Oh, no, no, no,” he stated.

Make of that what you will.

Thursday, 15 April 2010

Flights grounded due to ash

I have been forced to ground all non-emergency flights over Homeward due to a giant plume of ash approaching our airspace.

This appears to have been caused by Hitmouse. The Badfort Crowd have been busy attempting to fulfil their Badgertown election promise of building a future funfair for all.

It would seem that Hitmouse was busy welding together some parts of the giant roller coaster on the edge of Badgertown.

Unfortunately, they had forgotten that they had buried a secret Black Tom dump on the very same site.

Sparks from the welding torch set fire to a vast pile of kegs directly above the vast vat beneath the surface.

Soon the whole place was radiant with a red glare and huge flames rose into the sky.

The dump is still burning with a strong purplish blaze - emitting noxious fumes and a fine ash.

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Tuesday, 13 April 2010

Macaroon's gone mad!

I fear that I am going to have to withdraw my support for the campaign to elect Dave, the biscuit, Macaroon as Mayor of Badgertown.

He has just issued his manifesto and I think he must have lost his senses.

He is proposing that the inhabitants will be able to vote on local issues in a style similar to that of popular talent contests!

Apparently the issues will be put before them every Saturday night so that they can weigh up the pros and cons as they eat their pizza!

Already, badgers are parading around with posters proclaiming "I'm the Guv now!"

I cannot bare to imagine what might happen if this ludicrous idea spreads to Homeward.
The dwarfs are argumentative enough as it is!

I see only strife as they struggle for the remote control.

There would be the usual sob stories, as attempts are made to sway the vote - "I have a wooden leg - so please don't raise the taxes on wood." etc; etc;

Dave assures me that it is merely a sop and it will be big business as usual - but I do not think he has realised what he may have let loose!

Sunday, 11 April 2010

Badgers insulted by candidate!

The Badgertown Town Council Election is underway - and already one high profile candidate has had to withdraw.

The Old Monkey's cousin, Mex Monkey, had been standing for a seat in the Potosi district of Badgertown.

He was forced to stand down, however, when it was disciovered that he had made abusive rants about badgers on Twitter.

In one post the monkey complained "the truth is, badgers are smelly." then poked fun at burrow dwellers by branding them "flea infested brocks".

The last straw was when a video was discovered of him pretending to be a member of the Badgertown police force and intimidating a monkey voter into voting for him - when questioned as to why he had no badgers with him he became abusive and claimed not to need any stinking badgers.

The incumbent Mayor, Noddy Ninety, has been accused of allowing celebrity to go to his head. He has been accused of being aggressive and of being obsessed with running the trains on time. One badger complained "he would not let me on the train - he said it was already running late and blew his whistle before I could get on."

There have even been accusations that I am exerting undue influence on the outcome by having a favoured candidate.

They say that I have donated large sums to the campaign to elect Dave, the biscuit, Macaroon as Mayor. This is untrue - I am particularly fond of the almond biscuits made by his company and have merely placed a very large order for them.

The Bad Party have a candidate, Gordon 'Fudge' Brownie, who has stooped to threatening me in a very nasty poster campaign.

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