My brother Rudolph has come on a visit. He spends a lot of time abroad because he is a big-game hunter and survival expert. Apparently he wants to lie low for a bit and escape the attentions of the gutter press. He got into a bit of a fight with his arch rival Bear Gruff. They both have their own television documentary series's about how to survive in inhospitable conditions. They are always arguing about survival methods and this often ends up in fisticuffs. It would not normally matter but, in this case, they were both supposed to be surviving in the wilds of the Sierra Nevada mountains and were actually getting drunk in the bar of a luxury resort hotel.
As you can imagine the tabloids have been having a field day, particularly, as Rudolph had claimed he would be surviving on nothing but a knife and a water bottle.
To be honest Rudolph can be a bit of a bore. He insists on giving us readings from his diary which is rather lengthy and repetitive.
He also tends to be a bit boastful of his exploits. I am glad to say that this is not a family trait.
As you are aware I am renowned as a bit of a gourmet. I have had so many requests, from readers of my biography, for recipes that I have decided to publish my own cook book. It will be entitled "A Cask of Ham and a Bucket of Koolvat".
My chef, the little dwarf, Mig and I have started to select some of the great gastronomic delights of Homeward to go into the book. He wants to include some of the culinary triumphs he has developed making use of his unique style of oxy-acetylene cooking.
I will include many of my favourite recipes - Water Melon Pickle, Miss Maidy's Breadfruit, Sharpener Cordial, Old Monkey's hot ginger wine, Goodman's Goat, Koolvat, Butterskin Mute Butter Beans, Jelly Skyscraper, Badfort Buttered Biscuits (flavoured with Black Tom), boiled jelly-fish, ram-marrow tarts and of course many recipes utilising bananas and ham.
My publisher says that if I get it out in time for the Christmas market it is bound to sell in millions. The Old Monkey says it will teach Jamie Oliver a lesson. Apparently he is some oik who caused some upset at Dr Lyre's school. He did not approve of the school dinners. He persuaded old Lyre to ban the children from eating "Coggins" (a kind of sweet) and eventually there was a revolt led by Noddy Ninety.
I'll put the occasional recipe up here for you to try out.
The King of the Badgers has turned up for another State Visit. This usually means he is short of cash and is looking for another hand out. He started banging on about the 'special relationship' between Homeward and Badgertown which spells trouble. I expect Beaver Hateman is refusing to hand over his rates again so he needs some enforcement help.
My detective A.B.Fox is providing his exemplary services to ensure security for the visit. He's already foiled Hitmouse's attempt at throwing a duck bomb at us as we were enjoying a garden party on the lawns in front of Homeward. Duck bombs cover you from head to foot in a liquid that looks like lemonade but instantly turns into a tough jelly which is almost impossible to remove."Not a problem, Sir" he said when I thanked him for his vigilance. Exactly what you would expect from a fox whose Great-Grandfather worked for Pinkerton's Detective Agency. Down these mean streets a fox must walk who is neither tarnished by nor afraid of the Badfort Crowd.
The annual Tour de Homeward bicycle race has begun. The race involves a circuit of the whole of my domain and, as you can imagine, this takes many weeks. The switchback railways and water chutes that run between the hundreds of skyscrapers, that comprise Homeward, are converted into a giant bike track. The course also runs through some of the wilder regions such as Watercress Tower and Owl Springs as well as the picturesque like the Dwarfs' Drinking Fountains and The Sinking Parade.
As usual I start the race off on a specially reinforced bike created for me by my engineer Cowgill. This year, sadly, the infamous Badfort Crowd decided to disrupt this glorious event. They were waiting with placards that, once more, repeated the scandalous lie that I had once stolen a bicycle. As I am sure you are aware the truth is that I only borrowed the bike and due to my being well built, and it not being very well made, - it broke.
Cloutman was able to fend off the attack from the miscreants, but not before they had sprayed tin tacks in my path.From nowhere Hootman suddenly appeared and raced ahead of the pack. This was clearly an attempt by the Badfort Crowd to get a head start in the race with the sole aim of claiming the winner's prize. Suffice to say that it was swiftly decided to disqualify Hootman on the grounds of cheating and being non- corporeal.
There has been terrible flooding during the night in the vicinity of Haunted Tower. My detective, A.B.Fox, has discovered that the Badfort Crowd have been using the whole tower as place to brew and store their noxious drink 'Black Tom'. The fact that most inhabitants of Homeward are scared of the ghosts meant that Beaver and his gang could work undisturbed. One spectre, tired of Nailrod's jibes at his lack of haunting skills, decided to take revenge by levitating the bung out of the vast vat of fermenting liquid. This caused a tidal wave to break through the lower walls into the surrounding area.
Unfortunately some of the younger dwarves have taken advantage of the situation and somewhat over-indulged themselves. To put it bluntly they are a little soused. Apparently a young badger has set up a sound system and they are having something called a 'rave'!
Luckily the 'Black Tom' is flowing downhill away from inhabited areas, but that miscreant Hateman has sent a demand for compensation for his illicit hooch!
The children of Homeward are agog with excitement. Tomorrow sees the publication of the final volume of Wizard Blenkinsop's enthralling autobiography of his schooldays. In the last book he accidently turned the headmaster, Grumblebore, into a frog. Readers will be pleased that despite being expelled Harry returns for his final year. He finds a way of reversing the spell and at the same time easily defeats the villainous Mouldywart.
Oh dear - the Old Monkey is really cross because apparently I'm not supposed to reveal that yet.
Well I think it was a bit mean of Wizard Blenkinsop to publish it so close to the republication of my biography. It's rather overshadowed it. Go out and buy mine - it's a much better read and it's only 3/6 at Fresco Supermarkets.
I have come under some criticism over the use of my EUV (Elephant Utility Vehicle). In particular, The Badfort Press have taken great delight in making snide comments and accusations about it's fuel consumption. I have therefore decided to convert the top of Ramshackle Tower into a sustainable forest. I have re-named it Green Tower and will, from henceforth, only be using logs from this source to burn in my traction engine. I have also instructed Cowgill to put a wind turbine on top of Windy Tower. This will supply most of the power needed in Homeward Hall. I hope this proves my green credentials.
The Old Monkey is very much enjoying swinging around in the newly planted trees on Green Tower.
Everyone is in a right old tiswas at the Badgertown Broadcasting Corporation. The furore over the editing of the documentary about me has unleashed yet another scandal. It appears that those viewers who rang in to pick the star for the revival of "Uncle and his Amazing Purple Dressing Gown" (the inspiring tale of my rise from poverty to the dizzying heights of wealth and fame) have been duped.
There was astonishment at the time when the, seemingly, least able contestant won the competition. It turns out that the Call Centre of the firm running the voting lines for the BBC was, in fact, Hitmouse's tin shack outside the walls of Badfort. All the proceeds from the phone votes have been used to build a new 'Black Tom' distillery.
The winner of the show, and a contract worth hundreds of pounds, was last night booed off stage. Whilst attempting to run off in a hail of fruit and vegetables his costume was torn off. He was revealed to be none other than Flabskin dressed in a padded 'fat' suit.
Needless to say I have been somewhat affronted by the reporting of this incident. I think that big-boned is a more accurate description of my physique. I am sure you would agree.
Rather startled to find out this morning that Boris Badger is going to throw his hat into the ring in the upcoming mayoral election. A well known figure with that shocking blond hair of his - odd for a badger. A bit of a buffoon but very popular with young badgers I understand. Mainly due to his appearances on popular panel shows.
Still, a jolly amusing chap and serves an excellent bucket of Koolvat. Should give Noddy Ninety a run for his money. Goodman seems concerned that the Badfort Crowd have not shown their hand yet but I suspect he maybe a bit paranoid.
Beaver and his band of miscreants have once more been foiled. Waldovenison Smeare is free and his painting of my goodself has pride of place over the fireplace in the Grand Hall of Homeward.
Cloutman and Gubbins were able to effect a rescue by the inspired use of one of Mr Gleamhound's magic potions.
Old Whitebeard had bought himself some of Gleamhound's Lynx Juice. 'The Old Man' has an arrangement with an young Lynx called Mod who is happy to roll around in a special cloth so that his sweat can be collected for the Lynx Juice. 'The Old Man' pays him a half a crown each time. "Spray it all over and you will be the centre of attention" it says on the label. Old Whitebeard had been hoping to attract some young heiress but, as we know, all Gleamhound's potions work the opposite way.
Cloutman and Gubbins could therefore pass completely unnoticed in and out of Badfort with Waldo.
If you would like the "Lynx Effect" you should be able to purchase it in most Chemists as 'The Old Man' is heavily marketing it.
By the way, some of you may be aware, the first volume of the unauthorised biography of me by J.P.Martin is being republished. I have not read it myself but feel I must warn you that it has been reported to me that, apparently, there are elements within it that do not always cast me in the best light. The Old Monkey informs me that I am portrayed as somewhat pompous. I know that probably shocks you as much as it does me. Clearly, J.P.Martin was hoping for a serialisation in one of the scandal papers.
The Old Monkey does say that, apart from these somewhat dubious parts, it is an accurate portrayal of my constant battle with those ingrates from Badfort.
Well here I am writing my first blog. The Old Monkey insisted I get up to date with the modern world and the interweb. Apparently it is a way for me to connect with the tenants of my vast domain – Homeward. He says they all surf this new information highway thingy. Sounds to me like those dwarves have too much spare time.
The Old Monkey says that even the Queen of England is getting in on this new fangled accessibility thing
I bet her blogs boring – just a lot of stuff about Corgi’s I suspect.
Well she is, not boasting of course, not as rich as me – so if it is good enough for her I’ll give it a go.
As you can imagine I am still quite furious about my treatment by the Badgertown Broadcasting Corporation in the recent documentary they showed profiling my good works and myself.
They claim that Badfort TV sabotaged the tape. If you saw it you will know that it gave the impression that I ruthlessly kicked up Waldovenison Smeare whilst he was attempting to paint a commemorative portrait of me in full regalia. I admit that, after many hours of sittings, I became somewhat furious at the crude likeness of me that resulted. But the kicking up only occurred when I discovered that The Badfort Crowd had kidnapped Waldovenison, with the original painting.
I was actually kicking up Beaver Hateman who was disguised as Waldovenison – he had demanded £1,000,000 for the safe return of the painting and the painter.
I can’t say I’m that bothered about the painting but I suppose we had better try and rescue poor old Waldo….